


The Hazards of Lovve

by k_rose_m (Flipkat)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Filk, Gen, M/M, The Decemberists - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2013-01-12
Packaged: 2017-11-25 04:27:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/635102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flipkat/pseuds/k_rose_m
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Eridan decides to remake one of his favorite albums, and strong-arms his friends into helping. Shenanigans ensue.</p><p> </p><p>I’M SORRY THIS GOT SO META. The setting includes both Alternia <i>and</i> SGRUB, but some of the references really only make sense from a <i>post</i>-SGRUB perspective, so I’m gonna handwave it as a bit of “everybody’s alive” Veilstuck silliness. It’s part narration and part song/spoken word; hopefully the format switches won’t be too hard to follow. I’m really happy with how well the casting worked out, though. And of course, it’ll make more sense if you’re familiar with the original album.</p><p>Written for a prompt on the kinkmeme here, for a Decembrists/Homestuck combo: http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39135.html?thread=41167327#cmt41167327</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "Prelude"

“You want us to WHAT?!?”  
Eridan stood his ground admist a sea of disbelieving voices. “I wanna make a music vvideo,” he repeated, “only, like movvie-length, outta this album.”  
He held it up; the strange font on the cover didn’t give many clues about the contents. “An’ I’ll need evverybody’s help to do it.”  
There were immediate protests: waste of time and effort, self-indulgent pet project, unproductive, complete hoofbeastshit, etc. Eridan imperiously waved the complaints silent after a moment. “You don’t hafta help if you don’t wwanna,” he allowed, “but you’ll be missin’ out on the fun. Havven’t you evver wwanted to make a movvie?”

The grumbling continued, but at a reduced volume. “So what’s it gonna be about?” someone asked.  
“It’s a lovve story!” There were groans; Eridan blushed. “Oh c’mon, at least givve it a chance.”  
“Are _you_ in it?”  
“Er. Wwell. Yeah, but that’s ‘cause I already knoww my part, an’ I knoww howw to sing, too. That’s the other part, there’s gonna be singin’ as wwell as actin’. I rewwrote all the songs just for us an’ evverything, it’s gonna be so slick –”  
“Thith is thounding more and more like unpleathant amountth of work.”  
“On the other hand,” Aradia countered, “what have we got to lose? It sounds cute, and it’ll give us something to do. I think we could all use a little more fun and amusement in our lives, don’t you?”

Murmuring greeted this latest pronouncement; the unpleasant tone was all but gone. “So tell us more about the project!” she finished. “How’s it going to go, Eridan?”  
He blinked at her, then regained control. “Right! So I wwas thinkin’ wwe’d record the songs before filmin’ the scenes, but I wwanna do ‘em one at a time in case some a the later stuff needs changin’. The script’s got some flexibility, in case anybody hates their part.”  
The hostile muttering started back up. “So you’re telling us it’s already CAST?”  
Eridan shrank back a bit. “Er, wwell, I still gotta talk to evverybody individually, but yeah.”

 

“Kar, please?”  
“No.”  
“ _Pretty_ please?”  
“FUCK no!”  
“But! You’vve got the best vvoice an’ great breath control an’ evverything! You wwere _hatched_ to be a singer, Kar, I just _knoww_ it!” Eridan had clasped his hands beseechingly; now he dropped to his knees. “Wwhat if I beg you?”  
“Why the _fuck_ do you want _me_ for this thing?”  
“Wwhy?” Eridan glanced away for a moment. “Wwell…’Cause it’s a romance, Kar. Didn’t you alwways wwanna star in a romance?”  
After some consideration, Karkat sighed, rubbing his forehead. “What’s my part going to be, then?”  
“Eeeeee!” Eridan calmed himself with some effort. “You’ll be playin’ the lead. Um. There’s some magic invvolvved, so it’s kinda a fake story, I knoww, but I still like it. Here’s the script I wwrote.” He handed over a sheaf of papers and a CD. “An’ here’s the original; wwe’ll be usin’ the same tunes, so givve that a listen later. I marked the ones you’re singin’ on.”  
“Oh, _fuck_ you! This is _nearly half the album!_ ”  
“You’re the _lead_ , Kar! You’re not supposed to be offscreen for long if I can help it!”  
“If _you_ can help it?”  
“Wwell, yeah. I’m gonna be the director.”  
“ARRGH!

 

“Sol, please?”  
“No.”  
“ _Pretty_ please?”  
“I thaid no!”  
“Wwe can’t do it wwithout your technical expertise!”  
“For the latht time, fuck no, and fuck OFF, ED!”  
“C’mon, Sol, please please _please?_ I’ll leavve all the editing an’ camerawwork decisions up to you! An’ I _swwear_ I’ll leavve you alone for good after it’s done, wwhatevver happens!”  
A nasty grin answered him. “Put that way, how can I refuthe the chanthe to make you redo each thene thixteen timeth and thtill come out looking like an idiot?” He lowered his glasses and glared over the top of them. “I better not hear one WORD of complaint about the final product, though. I am a _profethional_.”  
Eridan nodded, starry-eyed with delight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He also managed to cajole Kanaya into doing costumes, Terezi into props, and Tavros into animal-wrangling.


	2. "The Hazards of Love 1 (The Prettiest Whistles Won't Wrestle the Thistles Undone)"

MY TRUE LOVE WENT RIDING OUT   
IN VIOLET, BLUE AND BLACK   
PAST THE PALE OF HIS OWN BEACH   
WHERE OFTEN, HE’D TURNED BACK 

AND THERE, UPON A SLAB   
HE SPIED A WOUNDED CRAB   
(Singin’ oh, the hazards of lovve)

 

HE, BEING FULL OF CHARITY   
A CREDIT TO HIS FINS 

“Okay, I gotta draw the line here. Since when are you a credit to _anything?_ ”  
Eridan blushed. “Just sing it, okay?”

SOUGHT TO BIND ITS POOR CRACKED LEG   
BUT HERE, A TALE BEGINS 

“Technically, didn’t it begin like a verse and a half ago?”  
“ _Sing_!” implored Eridan, now fully violet in the face.

FOR HOW WAS HE TO KNOW   
THE CRAB WOULD START TO GROW?   
(Singin’ oh, the hazards of lovve  
Oh, the hazards of lovve  
You’ll learn soon enough  
The prettiest whistles won’t wrestle the thistles undone  
Undone)

 

TWELVE YOUNG TROLLS SET OUT ONE NIGHT   
A BETTER WORLD TO MAKE   
FEW, THE ONES THAT SEE IT THROUGH   
AND COUNTLESS, HEARTS THAT BREAK 

BUT HOPE HAS NOT YET DIED!   
OUR FISHTROLL’S GONE HEART-EYED.   
(Singin’ oh, the hazards of lovve  
Oh, the hazards of lovve  
You’ll learn soon enough  
The prettiest whistles won’t wrestle the thistles undone  
Undone)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “AGAIN?” *grumble mumble*


	3. "A Bower Scene"

“Fef, I KNOWW wwe’re not like that anymore, but I really need some advvice! ‘Reely,’ evven!”  
She turned. The regal look she gave him down her nose did little to conceal her excitement. “Is this what I THINK it is? HMM?”  
He shrank back uncertainly under her gaze. “…Maybe?”

Her grin threatened to swallow her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KN----EW IT! 38D


	4. "Won't Want for Love (Margaret in the Taiga)"

“Ter, dammit, I said _no_ to the hangin’ scalemates!”  
“Eheheheh!”  
“And Tavv, wwhen those are outta the wway, can you bring in some birds to replace ‘em?”  
“Hang on, is this still set in a forest?”  
Eridan turned aside to answer Karkat. “Wwell, yeah. I kinda wwanted to set it on a beach, but then the last scene wwouldn’t make sense.”  
“Why? What happens in the last scene?”  
“You didn’t finish listenin’ to the album I gave you?” Eridan tsked. “Wwell, it’s a tragic romance, and the hero rescues his beloved only for both lovvers to drowwn in a rivver together wwhile tryin’ to cross. So wwe gotta havve a rivver, not an ocean.”

Karkat facepalmed. “Dammit, past me is a _fucking idiot_ for not reading the whole script before agreeing to do this!”  
“But wwhy? You like romances!”  
“I like romantic _comedies_ , you inconsiderate buffoon! And you’ve cast me in a romantic _tragedy_?”  
“Oh. Wwell.” Eridan’s fins waved uncertainly; then he rallied. “Lookin’ on the bright side though, you get to be the hero!”  
 _”Not helping!”_ Karkat screeched.  
“Glub.” Heaving a sigh, Eridan retrieved the discarded script. “I wwouldn’t actually let you drowwn, you knoww that, right? But just for you, I’ll rewwrite the endin’. ‘Cause I’m nice like that.”  
“Since _when?_ ”  
The hurt look Eridan gave him might actually have made him feel bad, Karkat thought, if it hadn’t been coming from an insufferable drama-whoring douchebag. Out of sorts, he went and ranted at his past self on a private memo for a while. Unluckily, just as he was starting to feel better, his future self began ranting at _him_ for ranting at his past self! He closed the memo in disgust.

\---

“That wath perfect! Do it over.”   
Angrily, Eridan yanked off the headphones. “Wwhat!”  
Sollux spun back and forth lazily in his chair. “It’s _too_ perfect! You sound like you’re _already_ a recording, ED. You’re probably jutht copying what the album thoundth like ‘cauthe you’ve got it memorithed. Let’th hear thome _emotion_! Put your _heart_ into it!”  
“Oh!” He flapped his fins, startled. “All right. Once more, then?”  
“You got it!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Nithe! Thecond time’th the charm.”  
> “Oh, shut up.”


	5. "The Hazards of Love 2 (Wager All)"

I DON’T GET IT.  
IT’S LIKE, “I SEE YOUR FALLING ROCKS, AND RAISE YOU A RIVER OF LAVA?” ONLY ROMANCE RELATED, SOMEHOW?   
you’re adorable kar   
but no  
this kinda hazard just means ‘a chance’ or 'risk'  
an’ he’ll ‘wwager’ it - take any chance, wwhatevver comes, to be wwith his belovved  
that’s all hes sayin’  
HUH.   
not that their lovve doesn’t turn hazardous in the other sense later but that’s not really wwhat they’re wworryin’ about here  
I GUESS THAT’S PRETTY ROMANTIC, AFTER ALL.   
so can wwe hold hands then  
like for the scene   
i meant  
WHY NOT. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeeeee! 


	6. "The Queen's Approach"

HI NEPETA.   
833  
THAT WILL NEVER NOT BE CREEPY. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She’s stalking through a dark forest; her pupils are REALLY BIG, like this:  
> http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d10/Flipkat/holnepcat1_zpsdd7db558.jpg  
> http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d10/Flipkat/holnepcat2_zpsfd784ad5.jpg


	7. "Isn't It a Lovely Night?"

YES. YES IT IS. CAN WE SKIP TO THE NEXT BIT NOW?   
not a chance!   
noww pucker up kar! 

A series of half-hearted “bluh”s followed.

if you keep makin’ faces like that wwe’re gonna hafta reshoot the wwhole scene   
not that i’d mind really  
just don’t wwanna get too far behind schedule  
OH, FINE. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FOREST NEPETA IS WATCHING YOU KISS.


	8. "The Wanting Comes in Waves/Repaid"

I KNOW WE USUALLY EAT TOGETHER, BUT I’M GOING OUT WITH A FRIEND LATER.   
833  
STOP THAT! HE’S JUST A FRIEND, I SAID!   
If you say so, my Karkitten.  
NOW YOU’RE JUST TOYING WITH ME.   
You owe me, remember?  
YEAH, THANKS FOR PATCHING ME UP THAT TIME.  
AND NOT, YOU KNOW. TELLING ANYONE.  
AND, UH. TURNING ME INTO A CRAB?   
THIS STORY IS SILLY.   
H33 h33!   
You’re such a cute little kitten!   
FUCK THAT!   
I AM NOT LITTLE!  
I’M OLD ENOUGH TO BE OUT ON MY OWN! _WITHOUT_ A CHAPERONE, MIGHT I ADD!   
If you say so  
...Son.  
833

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even shapeshifters get curfews.


	9. "An Interlude"

“So who’ve you got in mind for the next part?”  
Eridan brightened. “I knoww just the guy! He’s got the _perfect_ vvoice for it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I mention I was particularly proud of the casting?


	10. "The Rake's Song"

“Oh my, these lyri% are so…scandalous…”  
“Quit sweatin’ and _sing!_ ”

I had finally filled my quadrants   
In the summer ‘twi%t my eighth and ninth sweep   
All our friends were oh so happy   
Now it’s just another secret I keep   
(All right, all right, all right)

 

A flair for violence had my b100-b100ded neighbor   
She’d go out clubbing when my anger turned wrong   
My heart was stolen by a charming young lady   
Her color shocked me but my feelings were STRONG  
(All right, all right, all right)

 

The clown and I fell at last into hatred   
But oh, such headaches when they all came to call   
My matesprite’s scandal _pleased_ that idiot highb100d   
My neighbor laughed and was no help at all   
(All right, all right, all right)

 

What can one do, with such improper quadrants?   
I began an e%periment grand   
Auspisticism never suited my neighbor   
B100 out her circuits in an accident planned   
(All right, all right, all right)

 

As it turned out, my dear matesprite   
As a robot better granted my wish   
The highb100d fought but my STRENGTH was superior   
Left him gasping like a waterless fish   
(All right, all right, all right)

 

Glad I was serendipity found me   
Glad I am to be rid it at last   
Now I wander free through the forest   
What’s done is done, and I’ve buried the past  
(All right, all right, all right) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, he didn’t forget anybody. HOO HOO HOO!


	11. "The Abduction of Margaret"

“I have to admit, this ne%t scene is making me very uncomfortable.”  
Eridan pouted and waved his arms dramatically. “C’mon, Eq, it’s the perfect night for an abduction! Can’t you see it now? You’re ovverwwhelmed by my lovveliness, and come chargin’ in, and I swwoon dramatically, and you tie me up –”  
“Seadweller, I really don’t think this –”  
“- and throww me ovver the front a your mount, and then ford the rivver, fluid splashin’ just evverywwhere in the moonlight, isn’t that a pretty picture? Evven your moirail’s on board wwith it!”  
“Er. Well. Mount, you say...”  
“A course! You can’t havve a good abduction unless you’vve got somethin’ to ride.”  
“Um. I suppose I could build some sort of...waterproof robotic hoofbeast, oh dear, this is so indecent –”  
“Nep! Wwe need more towwels ovver here!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She threw them at his head.


	12. "The Queen's Rebuke/The Crossing"

you want him?   
go on and take him!   
good riddance!  
i nefur liked him anyway!   
(stealing my Karkitty…grr!)   
XPP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Diam onds are forever.


	13. "Annan Water"

“And _why_ are we filming this part on LOPAH, again? Because God knows, there’s nowhere I’d rather be than revisiting the scene of my dismal failure to do anything of real value!”  
“Cut it out, Kar. Wwe needed a rivver wwe could actually ford wwith the mechanical hoofbeast, an’ these aren’t too deep. Sol says he can CG the right look later.” Eridan had to raise his voice to be heard from the opposite shore, where he’d been carried in the last scene.  
“Well, where’s the hoofbeast, then?”  
“Eq only made the one, so he’s repaintin’ it to look different. Honestly, I think maybe he’s just leery a gettin’ blood on it. Lucky wwe had Sol for the last scene, right?”  
Karkat threw up his arms. “Fuck! Fine! So I’m supposed to cross a river of mutant blood to rescue you, my ‘beloved,’ who’s been stolen away by a creepy weirdo –”  
“-you’re pretty accurate so far –”  
“-and now I don’t even have a hoofbeast to do it with?!” Karkat dropped his arms, exasperated. “Well, never let it be said that I cannot adapt a plan to changing circumstances. I’m simply going to STARE at this river until it parts to let me reach my true love’s side! You hear that?!” He glared daggers at the ruby-red stream.  
Curiously, after a moment, the river slowed, quieted, and began to draw back on both sides of him, until a dry path had formed across the riverbed, between Karkat and Eridan. They both boggled at it, and then slowly looked up at each other.  
“Fuck me,” said Karkat, almost quietly for once. “I can’t believe that worked.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They filmed the scene normally later.


	14. "Margaret in Captivity"

yoohoo my owwn true lovve  
kar  
KAR  
kar if you can hear me  
bring me a soda or somethin’ wwhen you come  
i’m parched  
please?   
oh and you better bring somethin’ for eq too  
he’s gonna sweat himself dry at this rate  
CUT IT OUT, YOU IMPOSSIBLE INGENUE.  
YOU’RE JUST MAKING YOURSELF THIRSTIER.   
HOW THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DIRECT IF YOU SHOUT YOURSELF HOARSE?   
SHOUTING’S MY JOB.   
kar i miss you  
like really for real  
please hurry  
HOLD YOUR SEAHORSES, YOU ENDEARING BLOT UPON THE FACE OF ROMANCE, I’M COMING.   
WITH THE SODAS. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND SOME FRIENDS. 


	15. "The Hazards of Love 3 (Revenge!)"

Neigh8or, I'm not feeling well  
The arm for me you made  
Came to life and suddenly  
I find I am 8etrayed

8ut neigh8or, don't you fret  
You 8n't seen nothing yet!  
(Singin’ ohhhhhhhh, the hazards of lovve)

 

it seems y0u had a crush 0n me  
but hated bl00d 0f red  
y0u built a blue-bl00d duplicate  
and then needed me dead

i kn0w better than m0st  
it’s hard being a gh0st  
(Singin’ 0h, the hazards of l0vve)

 

SpArE mE yOuR pathetic WORDS   
YoUr ReD-bLaCk FLIPS, your ASH   
CaN’t RUN from sErEnDiPiTy   
fastidious BlUe TRASH 

you took away our breath   
SO JOIN US NOW IN DEATH  
(Singin’ oH, tHe HaZaRdS oF lOvVe)

 

Oh  
Oh heck  
Hrrk  
I’M CONFUSED. AM I MEANT TO BE STOPPING HIM OR ENCOURAGING HIM?   
gamz, wwe’re done filmin’ your bit noww  
you can go home  
an’ thanks again  
aNyTiMe, FiShBrO.   
sEe YoU lAtEr.   
HoNk. :o) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Fastidious: hard to please; meticulous; overly concerned with what is proper.” A good Equius word, no?


	16. "The Wanting Comes in Waves (Reprise)"

Karkat started coughing as soon as his head cleared the surface. “Maybe _warn_ me before throwing me in a body of water, next time?”  
Eridan had the decency to look contrite. “Sorry about that. Hold on, Kar, there’s some wwavves comin’.”

Another coughing fit answered him as Karkat caught the first wave with his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeeeee he said next time!


	17. "The Hazards of Love 4 (The Drowned)"

They stayed quiet for a few moments, treading water. Sollux had packed up the camera and flown off with it before Eridan spoke again.  
“Wwell, the _good_ newws is, wwe’re pretty much done wwith filmin’ the vvideo! Don’t havve to wworry about actin’ anymore.”  
“So what’s the _bad_ news?”  
“Er. I kinda. Wwasn’t actin’?” Eridan bobbed down so only his eyes were showing; they widened, gazing soulfully at Karkat.  
Sighing, Karkat drew him closer and kissed his fins. “You are still an insufferable drama-whoring douchebag,” he informed Eridan. “However, you are now _my_ insufferable drama-whoring douchebag, god help me. Wasn’t that the whole point of the story, that nothing can separate us now?”  
Eridan grinned at him, suddenly radiant, and nearly smothered Karkat with his overeager embrace. “Eeeeee!” he began. “Eee _eeee_ eee, you’re the _best_ , Kar! You _do_ understand!”

Karkat returned the hug, and then, looking grim, firmly pulled Eridan down underwater. Eridan squirmed in his arms, and they resurfaced, spluttering. “Wwhat are you doin’? Are you actually _tryin’_ ta drowwn us both, here?”  
“Isn’t this supposed to finish with us sinking in an underwater embrace?”  
“Wwe don’t havve an underwwater camera, Kar! Be reasonable.”  
“Fuck you, you told me I was going to be a tragic hero!”  
“I _also_ said wwe wwere changin’ the endin’, dummy. Here, hang on to me an’ try to keep clear of my legs. Gamzee an’ Sol are wwaitin’ for us at the coast.” Slinging Karkat around his shoulders like a clingy satchel, Eridan began swimming strongly downstream. “C’mon, Kar, wwe’re gettin’ outta here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seadwellers have the most _elaborate_ courtship rituals.


End file.
